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I haven't been very active at all. Sitting up at my computer takes a lot of effort because I've been so lightheaded. I've gotten pretty sick again. My panic attacks/anxiety/depression has been spiking pretty hard recently. It feels like I'm 15 again, the time right before I was thrown into the hospital and all of those horrors assaulted me. I can't do much in regards with digital drawing anymore so I've gone back to doing traditional work, but even that is sometimes hard for me to do. I found out that my Vitamin D level is currently at 15 nanograms/milliliter and normal people are supposed to be at least at 50ng/mL. I've been to two doctors now. My newest doctor says my level should be around 80ng/mL. I have a couple more tests to take over the next week, but it's getting kinda bad. I'm on all sorts of different vitamins now, and I'm on antidepressants again and Ativan (sedative) to take when I have a bad panic attack. Recently I've been having two panic attacks a day and it's really tearing me apart. It's a struggle to just stay sane sometimes. My weight isn't doing good at all either. Eating has become a real struggle because my emetophobia is dominating my thoughts most days. Sleep is restless and short, full of dreams. But at least the constant nightmares I was having stopped. I feel like a husk of what I once was.

So yeah. Things are really rough right now... I'm not even going to go into the assault of negative thoughts and emotions that hit me whenever I'm not actively doing something that requires a lot of my attention. It's hard to keep things straight in my head right now. My art is going to shift to traditional for a while.

I feel very blessed though with my parents. They are trying so hard for me.. even my grandpa is. But I feel so bad about it all. I wanted to have graduated college by now and have a job. Possibly even have my own place. But I've had to drop out of college, can't work, can't drive, and now my medical bills are getting a bit crazy. I can't even be around many people- or even have people at my house. I've been pushing everyone away and just avoiding people as much as I can stand. I shouldn't be doing it, but I'm afraid people will avoid me because I'm just a ball of mess.

A little girl came up to me after church service last Sunday and handed me a picture she drew for me. It took a lot of effort not to start crying. She's seen me drawing because I always draw to help me focus on the sermon (plus I always have to do something with my hands) and I guess she wanted to draw too. It hit me really hard. She's doing what I want to do through art and make people smile. It meant a lot to me. I'm going to surprise her and draw her something now to show my appreciation. I really needed it.
  • Listening to: Say Lou Lou - Instant Crush (Daft Punk Cover)

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SpeedFreakKai
Aiko
Artist | Student | Traditional Art
United States
A random girl who likes to look at pictures and play video games all the time. :P Currently in college and working on an Associates Degree in Art. I am very frank and hot headed for an asian girl. hehe Can be pretty shy at times so you might have to really prod at me to start talking a lot. I love my friends more than myself! hah

Catch me sometime!
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:iconyuuike:
yuuike Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Student Digital Artist
Ahhhh thank you so much for the watch bby:iconmuahplz: I really appreciate it <333

If you like my art feel free to check me out on YouTube ,Tumblr , or Facebook  :iconasdfghbeeplz: //shamelessly advertises LOL
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:iconclassynerd16:
ClassyNerd16 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2016  Student Writer
Thanks for the fave. :) My apologies for the lateness of this note. 
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:iconmalleni-stock:
Malleni-Stock Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
:+fav: Thank you ! I wish you a wonderful new year moomin-hug
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:iconivoturk:
ivoturk Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks a lot for faving my work!
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:iconsventine:
Sventine Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much for faving Breeze :rose: :+fav: :w00t: :blackrose:
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:iconspeedfreakkai:
SpeedFreakKai Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
You're welcome. :3
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:iconesiur:
Esiur Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2015
Thank you so much for the watch! I really appreciate it C: 
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:iconspeedfreakkai:
SpeedFreakKai Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
You're welcome. :D
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:iconnsolanki:
NSolanki Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2015   Photographer
Thank you for the favourite add :)
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:iconspeedfreakkai:
SpeedFreakKai Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
You're welcome! :D
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