I haven't been very active at all. Sitting up at my computer takes a lot of effort because I've been so lightheaded. I've gotten pretty sick again. My panic attacks/anxiety/depression has been spiking pretty hard recently. It feels like I'm 15 again, the time right before I was thrown into the hospital and all of those horrors assaulted me. I can't do much in regards with digital drawing anymore so I've gone back to doing traditional work, but even that is sometimes hard for me to do. I found out that my Vitamin D level is currently at 15 nanograms/milliliter and normal people are supposed to be at least at 50ng/mL. I've been to two doctors now. My newest doctor says my level should be around 80ng/mL. I have a couple more tests to take over the next week, but it's getting kinda bad. I'm on all sorts of different vitamins now, and I'm on antidepressants again and Ativan (sedative) to take when I have a bad panic attack. Recently I've been having two panic attacks a day and it's really tearing me apart. It's a struggle to just stay sane sometimes. My weight isn't doing good at all either. Eating has become a real struggle because my emetophobia is dominating my thoughts most days. Sleep is restless and short, full of dreams. But at least the constant nightmares I was having stopped. I feel like a husk of what I once was.
So yeah. Things are really rough right now... I'm not even going to go into the assault of negative thoughts and emotions that hit me whenever I'm not actively doing something that requires a lot of my attention. It's hard to keep things straight in my head right now. My art is going to shift to traditional for a while.
I feel very blessed though with my parents. They are trying so hard for me.. even my grandpa is. But I feel so bad about it all. I wanted to have graduated college by now and have a job. Possibly even have my own place. But I've had to drop out of college, can't work, can't drive, and now my medical bills are getting a bit crazy. I can't even be around many people- or even have people at my house. I've been pushing everyone away and just avoiding people as much as I can stand. I shouldn't be doing it, but I'm afraid people will avoid me because I'm just a ball of mess.
A little girl came up to me after church service last Sunday and handed me a picture she drew for me. It took a lot of effort not to start crying. She's seen me drawing because I always draw to help me focus on the sermon (plus I always have to do something with my hands) and I guess she wanted to draw too. It hit me really hard. She's doing what I want to do through art and make people smile. It meant a lot to me. I'm going to surprise her and draw her something now to show my appreciation. I really needed it.
Listening to: Say Lou Lou - Instant Crush (Daft Punk Cover)